How can you support someone who has been assaulted?

How many times have you thought, "I should have done this differently," or "if I hadn't done this, that wouldn't have happened" in a variety of situations? Many survivors have these same thoughts going through their minds on repeat.

Sexual assault is an act of control, it is someone exerting their power over another person. Survivors deserve to be told that they are not responsible for someone else's decision, that it is not their fault, and that they did nothing to deserve what happened to them. 

Remember that it took courage and trust for someone to come to you to talk about what happened. Let them lead the conversation and take the time to listen to them and affirm what they are telling you. If they view it as sexual assault, then it is sexual assault; sexual assault takes place in many forms and each form can be traumatic to the person who has experienced it.

Avoid using phrases like "it could have been worse," "at least he/she/they didn't..." or "it sounds more like a bad sexual experience than a real assault." You may feel that you are helping them by pointing out the positives and reminding them that it could be worse, but everyone experiences trauma differently and these phrases often minimize the trauma they have endured and cause the survivor to withdraw and suffer alone. Instead, use phrases that affirm what they have experienced like "I'm sorry that happened to you," "that must have been scary," and "thank you for trusting me with this." 

For someone to trust you enough to come to you means a lot, but you cannot support someone else if you are not in the proper mental space to do so. It's okay to say "I want to be here for you, but now is not a good time. Can I check in with you later?"  Being a good support person does not mean being responsible for someone else's mental health, nor does it mean that you should make yourself available at the risk of your own wellbeing.

Offer to help them with expanding their support system or getting in touch with resources like RDVIC's 24-hour hotline for when you are not available. Also, please know that RDVIC is here for you, too. Even if you are not a survivor, if sexual assault has affected your life, you deserve to be supported.